All I Possess

When people walk away from the “true and living gospel,” faithful Mormons need some way to explain it.

Sometimes they say, “you just wanted to sin.”

A lot of times, the thought is “they were never truly converted.”

I admit this was my go-to response to explain anyone who left the church. I had some major cognitive dissonance, so I had to come up with an explanation.

But I do have to say, I’ve only known a handful of people who left the church, and some I didn’t know well enough to judge how active or “converted” they were.

We do have two family members who left over a decade ago, and our typical response was “how could anyone turn away from what they knew was true?” with some sadness in our hearts — but never curiosity. Never genuine curiosity that might drive us to ask why they left. (And now I have apologized to them for this fact!)

We didn’t respect them enough to consider they might have had valid reasons.

I guess this shows we looked down on them, or due to our own pride we were quick to dismiss any respect we previously had, and now suddenly categorize them differently.

But now here I am in the same boat.

So, my past self might ask, Did I ever have a strong testimony? Was I truly converted?

I studied my scriptures and enjoyed giving talks and lessons. I sought to understand every doctrine. I had an intellectual conversion to the gospel for sure.

I repented of my sins and did my best to submit my life to God. I would call this a spiritual conversion — wouldn’t you?

I grew up in a family that was all in. We did all the things. All means all. 100%.

Even as an adult, I did all the things. There wasn’t a single doctrine I didn’t believe, a single policy I didn’t support, a single “sin” I wished I could have participated in.

Yes, people, I was all in.

But did I do all the things because I was converted to Christ?

This is a good question to ask any Mormon.

And the truth is, it can be hard to separate when you’re immersed in a shame culture where you literally earn your worth.

I can’t really answer if Mormons are truly converted to Christ. That’s a question I’ve still been pondering and weighing. I mean, a Christian could say, no I obviously wasn’t truly converted to Christ because I was stuck in Old Testament law patterns. I didn’t understand Grace.

How can anyone be truly converted to Christ if they don’t understand what he offers, and what His entire mission was about?

Is that even possible when you’re in a high demand religion that teaches false doctrine?

I really don’t think Mormons understand Christ at all. And if they were truly converted, they would be embracing Biblical principles rather than old law, middle men, putting men above Christ, etc.

But still, with the information and understanding I had, I totally gave myself to Christ!

And that culminated in my seeking Him at a deeper and deeper level, until He showed me the falsehoods in the LDS church.

But of course Mormons can’t conceive of this. Surely, I led the church because I wasn’t connected to Christ! And now I’m telling myself stories to justify it, saying that it was He who led me out.

And if that’s true, how could I have better protected myself? I was doing all the things that are supposed to protect me from deception.

Garments are supposed to protect us.

Reading the Book of Mormon is supposed to give us spiritual light and understanding, and keep us clinging to the rod! (I heard a talk from an authority that said “everybody I talked to who was going through a faith crisis was not reading the Book of Mormon.”)

Not only was I wearing my garments religiously night and day and reading my Book of Mormon regularly (specifically when my faith crisis began), I was also attending the temple literally every day it was open.

I prayed diligently for light and truth. I prayed for answers and to be led where God wanted me. I prayed not to be deceived. As my husband grew concerned about me, I prayed with him for me to “remember my testimony.”

I don’t know how much more protected you can get.

But as I did these things, God continued to speak to me, point out scriptures that contradicted the church, give me light and joy, and provide me with peace and purpose.

I sought the Lord, and He heard, and He answered!

That’s why I trust Him.

And I will continue to look to Him and trust Him in this journey. Even if it looks completely different from what I always believed. Even if my family members say these things about me. I don’t answer to them, and I don’t live for their opinion or approval.

I surrender to the process of what God has in store.

Here are some more thoughts as I discuss this topic with my husband.