All I Possess

In 2018, I taught a class that I designed myself – just an inspirational, doctrinal group for Mormons to study the Book of Mormon and “words of the living prophets.”

I loved it!!

I loved being knowledgeable and influential.

I genuinely enjoyed being in “the scriptures” for an hour a day or more, being strengthened and uplifted with feel good stuff.

It went swimmingly — I had a good following on social media. Many people looked to me for guidance and comfort. I felt like I had a purpose and that I was doing good in the world.

Then one day it all stopped. The inspiration stopped. I just didn’t have a message to deliver anymore.

I’ve never really known why I stopped. I just felt like God has been using me in a ministry and now His purpose was complete.

But today I realized why. I think I knew why the inspiration stopped!

I’ve mentioned before how I’ve had many things “on my shelf” over the years, and didn’t even realize it.

This was a big, confusing thing on my shelf that just kind of ate away at me…

First, let me say how I just PORED over old conference talks. Jeremy “Gogo” Goff brags about having read thousands of conference talks. I really admired him. His original videos were something that made me start thinking deeply, comparing the LDS beliefs to Protestantism. And these distinctions really made me puffed up about how I had the “whole truth” and how Protestants aren’t wrong, but I knew better. Weren’t we so clever, Jeremy?

So yes, old conference talks were definitely a fascination, an idol even.

(Can a prophet be an idol? Wow, that’s probably the #1 problem with Mormons…but I digress)

I still have my big binder of old talks I haven’t even gotten to yet. It’s a sentimental thing. I need to let it go, but it will be sad…. And I’m kinda still curious what sort of crazy false doctrines they teach!

Anyway. So back in 2018, after teaching about forty classes, I got to a talk by the infamous Bruce R. McConkie. In this address, he said that works for the dead are only for those who didn’t get an opportunity to have “the gospel” (the Mormon church) in this life; if people knew about Mormon church and did not receive it fully, they will only receive terrestrial glory.

So I taught this.

And it gnawed at me, and gnawed at me.

For months I looked back and cringed at myself.

I was horrified with embarrassment. But I felt so torn – should I recant what I had taught?? But I was only quoting a prophet of God! Who am I to disagree?

And doesn’t the Book of Mormon say this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God ??

I was so confused and mixed up!

But I couldn’t deny that voice inside me telling me I had crossed the line that day.

I had taught something that should not be taught.

It’s only now that I can look back and make sense of this. Yes, that’s why I lost my mojo. That’s why I had no confidence speaking on matters of religion in that way.

I had proclaimed that only perfect Mormons in this life would live with God again.

And then I said “but it’s okay. Don’t worry about your loved ones. The terrestrial kingdom is so glorious!”

(According to Mormons, even Hitler gets a kingdom of glory — too glorious to even comprehend. Said Joseph Smith, if we could just get a glimpse of the telestial kingdom, we would kill ourselves to get there!)

But just like Pastor Jeff on Hello Saints said, heaven means being in God’s presence. What king of “glory” are Mormons offering people that isn’t where God lives??

In the back of my mind, I had done the unthinkable.

I knew I was wrong.

I knew something wasn’t adding up.

My shelf had begun.

But it was still sad to let go of that project, and sad now to take down my BOM YouTube videos…