I’ve been going through some episodes on the Unveiling Mormonism podcast.
One was about emotions that many people feel as they leave the church, such as anger and guilt.
To be honest, I didn’t really relate very much.
Sure, I’ve had moments of anger. One day I felt angry and I posted about it. But that was really mostly it.
Guilt for being in the church? Guilt for raising my kids in the church? Nah. Maybe bad timing. Some sadness, like I definitely feel I’ve lost time. But not guilt.
So I couldn’t really relate.
But it caused me to reflect on what emotions I’ve had…
Disgust is a big one. The Mormon church, the leaders, the clichés and sound bites — it all makes me feel gross. This weekend was the semi-annual conference that all Mormons watch, and a lot of ex Mormons too. They watch so they can get more ammunition to get fired up about. But personally, I don’t feel the pull. I have no desire to hear those voices anymore. A lot of them feel gross to me, and I feel very suspicious about what they’re hiding or what they know and they’re lying about. Also, I don’t have the time. I have 40 years of Christianity to catch up on. I refuse to put any more time into that.
And that leads to the humility and overwhelm when I think of how much I thought I knew, and I really didn’t. How much I still need to learn. Everything I want to read now.
Loss is another huge emotion for me. I’m surprised they didn’t cover this. The church was a big part of my life, my thoughts, and my heart. I’m losing traditions, community, what made sense to me, and my entire paradigm of the meaning of life.
Dread and Nervousness is what I feel when I think of telling family members. Just now as I was typing this, I got a text from a friend saying how much she’s “getting out of conference” and what God is telling her. I responded that I’m so glad she’s hearing His voice, and do what He says! But situations like this — how am I going to burst their bubble and tell them I don’t believe it? It hurts me to think of the hurt and confusion my story will cause others.
And as I do begin to make comments and speak up on Facebook, I feel a good amount of anxiety. I do not like confrontations. I do not like posting controversial things. But I usually end up anyway, putting my foot in my mouth. I’m really praying that God will speak through me with Grace so I don’t do anything stupid. So defensiveness and anger don’t take over my life when I feel called to speak out more.
I was laying in bed resting when a final feeling came over me: Heaviness. This is so much to process. So much to change. So much to wrap one’s mind around! And feeling like all I’m up against. It’s just so heavy.
Just then as I began to drift off, a scene came to my mind. A little half-awake mini dream. Probably a vision.
I was driving down a busy road, with lots of cars headed in the same direction. But then I noticed painted on the road in front of me was a turning arrow going in the opposite direction! I was driving the wrong way! Crap! We all were! Totally oblivious, all this traffic was going the wrong way. The arrow was telling me I should be facing the other way, going the other direction. And not only that, but there was a turn I was supposed to take that I had now just passed. How could I turn around? I’d have to weave through all this traffic headed in my current direction. That would be dangerous! But in order for me to get to where I needed to be, I had to figure out how to do it.
That was the vision. It was about 5 seconds worth of screen play. But it represents exactly how I feel with all the heaviness and overwhelm. The church is going one way, but the Word is pointing me the other way. How am I supposed to reroute?? There’s a lot to manage, some things to navigate, and the overall feeling of swimming upstream is so daunting.
But Jesus did it. His disciples did it (notice the Chosen reference?) and I can too.
I feel so blessed that God put me right into a Christian church. He put 3 Christian friends in our life last year, before this whole thing even started! He gave me those books that had the big impact on me and directed me to Christianity.
I never felt lost. I never felt afraid. I never felt alone.
I don’t feel depressed. I never “lost any light in my eyes” like Mormons like to say.
I do also feel joy, excitement, wonder and awe, and eagerness. A whole new world just opened up! A lot is going right. God is right here beside me.
Praise to God! He is good. I’m so thankful.
All I Possess 