All I Possess

I’m allowed to feel my feelings.

I’m allowed to feel disappointed.

I’m allowed to have needs.

I’m allowed to ask for community when I’m struggling.

This is what the body of Christ is about!

And I’m not afraid to own that.

In the LDS church, there’s a very common (thoughtless) response. If you’re offended, it’s your fault. If you’re struggling, it’s your fault. If you don’t have support, it’s your fault.

People, this is called gaslighting.

Nothing is wrong with me for needing a church community where my needs are seen and responded to.

Especially when it’s a huge pillar in the church.

We can talk about service all the time, but if nobody is allowed to need service, then it really doesn’t make much sense, does it?

If we believe in service and fellowship, two things follow:

(1) If there’s a need, the church will try to fill it.

(2) If you have a need, you let the church know.

Christians can’t do anything about a need they don’t know about.

Except a lot of times, whenever you try to say it, they turn it back on you and make you feel bad for asking.

I’m reeling from a Facebook conversation where I asked in an LDS group, what do you do when you feel disconnected at church? You haven’t had a good ministering visit in years, they won’t give you a calling so that you can be engaged, and you’ve asked the Bishop for help multiple times. It should be well known that your family is struggling because there’s been mental health situations for 3 years, causing the kids not to attend primary …. except nobody has ever once asked what’s going on or how they can help.

I got a few kind responses. A few people said go to a different ward (FYI if you’re not LDS, this is really frowned upon) and I even got 2 responses from people who have left the church 👊.

But then I got a few of the eye roll stereotypical answer: If you want a friend, you need to be a friend.

Miss Self Righteous said, “This is very selfish. You need to give to others” (and on and on).

I’d like to tell her, giving to others is impossible if no one is allowed to ask for help. This equation involves two people: a giver and a receiver. But she seems to imply that people are only allowed to be the giver.

So, in my situation, why doesn’t that answer (“give to others”) apply to them, only me?

And in response to the cliché “if you want a friend, you need to be a friend” or “you need to serve others,”

I know these are random strangers on Facebook.

But wow, what an assumption.

I am a doer. I am a giver. I jump in when I see a need. I will give you the shirt off my back, the food in my fridge, the money in my wallet.

I am a very social person. I invite others over, I initiate play dates for my kids, I sit by the person who is alone, I compliment the person who is awkward, I give rides, I teach classes, I speak at events.

When the Relief Society President asked me to visit an elderly lady on a regular basis, I said “Please can I?! I’m tired of being assigned to people who don’t need me.”

I love serving.

I want to be needed.

I was totally in my jam when I was in the Relief Society presidency in 2014-2015. I was in my groove. I was aligned with my purpose.

It feels pretty good when your life is going swimmingly and you can easily be there for other people.

But it really really sucks when it’s been years since you felt that secure and comfortable.

When it’s your turn to struggle.

It sucks.

It’s embarrassing!

And it’s really hard to be the vulnerable one, wondering where the strong one is now.

Because no matter how many times you’ve been there for other people, no one is there for you when you need it.