All I Possess

Feeling some surprising things today, a range of things.

My husband made his post yesterday and I went to bed feeling weird. I had this sense of “wait, are we really doing this?” A part of me was just messing around. But if it’s both of us….is this for real?

Earlier in the day he kept telling me how the Spirit is so strong with him, and he’s really feeling right about this decision. That the Lord wants us to step away from the LDS church. He’s told a few friends now, and the feeling just keeps getting stronger.

Dang.

I have only opened up to like-minded people mostly. I still haven’t had the scary conversions I’m dreading.

He came to bed and I told him “You’re passing me up. You’re the stronger one spiritually now.”

I always wanted to lean on my husband. For him to be my rock. Honestly, I’ve always wanted to “hearken to my husband as he hearkens to the Father.” It was something so offensive to the feminists out there, but so comforting to me. Offering me hope of security. A man to look to and lean on.

I’m a strong woman but I’m actually not.

I’ve been faking it.

A part of me feels all this shame. I’m a siren and I led my husband to deception.

I’m so afraid of what people will think.

All my life I’ve been the “bad child.” The black sheep.

I tried to be good and earn my worthiness. But deep down, I’m just afraid that all my family judges me. When my dad “disowned” me in 2018, it took a monster hit to my self confidence. Shame I never knew I had was now bubbling up.

Rejection.

I’ve tried my best to be an agreeable person. To hide my weirdness. To not rock the boat too much.

I wanted my in-laws to like me. I so much wanted to be accepted by them. But then they found out I’m weird. It just wasn’t the same ever again. They can’t see me. They’ve never been interested in me.

My siblings don’t seem very interested in me.

We moved to Utah to try to have some extended family in our lives. It kind of worked. For a little while. I had drama and they feed on drama. Then it passed and my pain became the private, normal variety.

(Except our issues with our kids is definitely not normal.)

Well, either way, no one cares.

Anyway, where am I going with this? Oh yes, the shame.

You see, my family life is already disconnected and complicated. But on the good side, it gave me some space and privacy to go through my faith crisis. None the wiser. But on the other hand—

What is going to be left of my reputation and my relationships with them when they find out?

My aunt kind of caught me “in my uniform” today. And then I was so distracted trying to play pickleball with some friends (didn’t think I’d see her there). I couldn’t really focus on the game.

What am I going to tell her when she asks?

I’ve always tried to blend in with family. If there are people there with different opinions, I make sure to walk on safe ground.

Don’t talk about conspiracies.

Don’t talk about v*#%cines.

(I can talk about diets, homebirth, and homeschooling with them though. My family is kind of weird after all. That’s where I got it from!)

But with my in-laws? Ten times worse.

Definitely no talk about anything weird.

Basketball. Music. Running. Just listen and nod.

I got that down really good.

But I know enough about Christianity that I know hiding and shoving things under the rug isn’t how you do it.

We are supposed to speak up.

I’m not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ. For it is the power of salvation!

(Even Mormons know that one.)

So how do I do this?

The longer I wait, the weirder it will be.

So I prayed.

My patriarchal blessing says that I will be blessed to defend the gospel of Jesus Christ to those who haven’t had the privilege of knowing the true Lord of Lords due to idolatry in their lands and traditions.

When I first got it, I thought I was going on a mission to a Buddhist county or something.

Then pretty soon I realized America is full of idolatry.

But now in my life I can see it.

It’s Mormonism. Idolatry central.

I’m supposed to speak up.

This is hard, guys.

So I prayed.

Lord, open my mouth and loosen my tongue! (another line in my patriarchal blessing.) Use my mouth and YOU speak through me! If I use my voice, it will be terrible! You and I both know I can’t do this. I will recognize You and know you’re working a miracle when something nice and rational comes out of my mouth.

So I’m giving it to God. He will do this.

When the questions come, I will answer them. I will stand with Christ. For Christ. I pray His light will shine so much none can deny it. They will see Him in me. They will hear Him through me.

And the Lord will make a way.

And I’m really praying to build a new “family” at our new church. ❤️