I’m grieving today. So much loss. Things have been so hard for me and my family for so long. And we’ve felt so isolated with no support.
I’ve always wondered where the Christians are. Where the love is.
I don’t expect a different denomination to have any more answers.
But at least they don’t claim to.
Do you know how heartbreaking it is to be in a culture where you hear all about ministering and caring for people
….and no one ever shows up?
How demoralizing it is to live in a state where everything is all about family
…and you have no family?
I think every faith crisis has a personal element behind it. Some trauma that needs healing. So in full disclosure, I must admit how disappointed I am with Mormons. And with this concept of “family” which has never really played any part in my life.
Family?
Like people who might build me up and express nice things, or want to spend time together, or want to call and check in …. ever?
Here are 3 experiences I’ve had with so-called family:
(1) When I was freaking out when my husband was hospitalized going into surgery — “at least you have a husband.”
(2) same situation — “you know, this anxiety about doctors is why your mom is dead.”
(3) When I was worn down and weary with the contention and mental health problems in my family and asking what’s bringing demons into my home — “you are.”
A family member called me vicious. Another family member called me ravenous. And then my sister said I don’t deserve any thanks for a difficult sacrifice I made for my family that lasted 14 months.
And then there’s the fact that my dad disowned me. Just a small thing.
I never claimed to be perfect. I’m a little rough around the edges, yes. But it hurts to be misunderstood and left out to dry.
Is it any wonder I never want to share anything personal anymore? (Let alone how in the world I’m ever going to tell them that I’m leaving the church)
I’m trying to decide if comments like that are better than being completely absent. Because so many of our other family members on both sides are completely absent.
When my last baby was going to be born, it was so hard for me to think of giving birth and being a new mom without my mom. I asked MULTIPLE family members to come help out.
My mother in law said “No. Your 14 year old son can help you.” (SERIOUSLY? Have you MET him?!) And no recognition that women need women. How can anyone be so clueless? This woman spends WEEKS on vacation with her other grandkids. My daughter has met her twice.
What is wrong with us? What is so shameful and awful about us? (and this is when I’m a total devout Mormon! What in the world will the shame be like when they find out about us now??)
I asked a family member from out of town. Someone who loves her grandkids so much, so I thought maybe, just maybe, she might like my kids. She said “but you live in Utah! There’s lots of help for you there!”
Um. No. You’d think. But no.
DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW MY MOTHER IS DEAD???
It’s like everyone forgot.
Their own sister. Their cousin. Sister-in-law. Mom.
Everyone is so wrapped up themselves.
But let me finish this on a positive note. In that particular situation, God came through for us.
An angel came.
Literally.
Someone I had never met before! She knew my mom a long time ago. She found me on Facebook and I told her my mom is no longer with us. But she wanted to come meet my family and help us with the upcoming birth.
A stranger!
And what was so amazing is how she has my mom’s same personality. Her energy feels very similar.
My mom was loving me through her.
Then it turned out 10 days after the birth, my husband went into the ER with an intense lung infection and spent 10 days there, getting a surgery.
I was so worried and stressed.
During this time, my new baby was also sick. I got no sleep at all.
We got meals dropped off from my husband’s coworkers.
Not a single person from the ward stayed to help me out with my kids.
Not a single person related to us came over to help me.
(I’ll tell you another time where my dad — Peter Priesthood — was in all this. Mars, basically.)
So this angel was such an amazing blessing for us.
Now my baby is almost 5 and she has some big mental health issues. I can’t help but wonder how it’s related to the way I felt throughout my pregnancy and post partum period. So many big emotions. So alone. So much loss.
Still working through it.
But God is good 💗
All I Possess 