Now that I’ve explained how I grew more and more disaffected with my ward, let me explain my personal conversion to the true Jesus. As I went to the temple over and over in fall 2023, I sought Him. I wanted Him in my life so much! When they do the covenant of consecration, I would pray “Yes Lord, I give everything to you! I will do anything for you!” I had my own deep spiritual life, aside from (despite?) the rituals there.
In December 2023, as I pondered the Christmas message, two questions continued to press on me: “What is a Christian?” and “Am I one?”
I was honestly examining what it meant to be a Christian, after these years of feeling like there were very few Christians in the congregation I was attending! So many people in my life were just going through the motions, or maybe having personal experiences but never opening up and bringing light to others. They were definitely closed off to questioning or seeking true doctrines that might differ (Mormons get very offended and defensive about that). These people professed the name of Jesus, so what did being a Christian really mean? What were we lacking?
I had known for years that something was off. This was another thing on my shelf that had probably been there for decades, but I didn’t realize it.
In January, February, March, I continued aching for Jesus! Where was He? Why didn’t I feel Him in my life? I just had this longing in my heart I can’t explain. I wanted Jesus so bad! I just had this “I need Jesus” longing in my heart for months!
I was reading new things and learning from people online — I was learning that church history really didn’t happen the way the church says it happened. Joseph Smith did not do and say things attributed to him! I learned about the succession crisis in 1844 and how Brigham Young basically swindled and scandaled his followers. I learned about the martyrdom conspiracy, the false revelation of D&C 132, and how other passages of scripture were altered and doctrines removed or changed! This was chaos! This Mormon stuff was a MESS! Out of all the branches that followed Joseph Smith, how could this possibly be the right one?
I felt so betrayed. Not only does the church cover up and perpetuate these lies and false doctrine, but they get everyone to believe by saying “If the Book of Mormon is true, everything else is true.” I quickly saw for myself that it’s completely possible for the Book of Mormon but nothing else to be true. It’s completely possible that Brigham Young was a false prophet and everyone after him. And endless possibilities elsewhere! So now my apparent job, that I never asked for, that would take over 100 hours, was picking up the pieces of my demolished testimony and trying to figure out which parts were the good and true ones. This is not an inspiring or uplifting task. I knew I needed to balance the academic history stuff with some actual biblical teachings to uplift me.
But I will say, suddenly the church response to Covid finally made sense, and I didn’t need to do the mental gymnastics anymore. I didn’t need to make excuses for why church is so empty and boring anymore. There is a culture problem, and that is not separate from the doctrinal problem. The culture is a fruit of the doctrines and policies. The culture begins with our global leadership. And we have a culture of image, subservience, shame, comparisons, hierarchies, actions (whatever the minimal requirement is) and worldliness.
In March, we had a stake conference with some big names from the church leadership. The kind of meeting everyone is excited for! But It didn’t make any difference. The meetings were a snooze. Empty words that didn’t move me at all.
Finally, I told my husband I need something more. I need to fill my cup. I’m going to go visit a different church. On Easter I went to try out The Well in Sandy. It was nice, and it gave me a lot of new things to begin considering.
We would talk some more, and in April I remember telling my husband “If General Conference lets me down like stake conference did, I’m sorry but I’m finding a new church. I can’t take this anymore.”
One day I had the realization “Would I be having this desperate feeling that ‘I need Jesus’ if I already had him?” It was dawning on me that there was more to be had! The Mormon church was not the be-all-end-all it claimed to be.
I meant to try out a variety of churches, but The Well filled me with living water so much that I couldn’t stop going. I was in complete culture shock but I was feeling something, and I was very pulled in. The songs were new to me, but the lyrics would tug at my heart strings and bring me to tears! I was an avid listener, examining claims and comparing doctrines.
Some of the lyrics in the songs shocked me! But I felt the spirit testifying doctrines to me—most importantly that Jesus is God! What a mind blowing realization of true doctrine! (I say with some sarcasm in hindsight, but also genuine at the time.)
If you ask a Mormon if Jesus is God, or if they worship Jesus, you’ll get some varied and confusing responses. I think they intuitively know what the answer is supposed to be, and they try to say that, but unfortunately the doctrine doesn’t back it up. According to the doctrine, Jesus had an origin – the same as ours. They teach that all Gods have origins and had to progress or learn to become a God, and that we can too. And there has been teaching by the top leadership that we worship the Father only, not Jesus (see the dilemmas you find when you fight the idea of trinity and also claim to be monotheist? It’s a mess.)
A huge influence on me, and verifier of these truths, was an old book from 1960 that compares RLDS teaching to “the church in Utah.” I was drawn to RLDS doctrines because this was our common link to Joseph Smith. Maybe this is how I could figure out what Joseph actually taught, before Brigham Young made the church his own. I found that the RLDS doctrines lined up with the new line of thinking I was being fed at The Well. Namely, that Jesus is God. The book also taught that temple work for the dead is a false doctrine (did not come from Joseph Smith) and that man cannot become God (probably did not come from Joseph Smith; it’s an idea from the King Follet discourse but the author is not proven.) Joseph Smith published and canonized Lectures on Faith that explicitly states God has no body, and the Holy Ghost is not a unique individual but just the mind of God.
The music at The Well taught me so many things and filled my heart with light and joy. The lines repeated in the songs were affirmations feeding my hungry soul. I felt like I was worshipping God for the first time in my life!
Why did we never do this in the LDS church? I realized our only praise songs were taken from other denominations! We don’t have our own style of praise. We have rituals. Quiet, scripted actions you can easily do with your mind somewhere else. But we don’t praise God. Even in “the Lord’s house,” it’s all built around the focus of making ourselves Gods. I find the temple very egocentric and sacrilegious.
I went to the temple looking for God, and I found Him. He led me to a new place to worship. He showed me false teachings in the temple and myriad contradictions in the doctrines of the LDS church. Ironic that this happened by going to the temple, but I think God meets us where we are, and I was honestly going there in humility and meekness to give my life to Him, so He responded.
The LDS church to me feels like a website where you’re trying to read an article, but there are so many ads all over the place that you can’t focus on anything. In their doctrines, there is just too much STUFF! Jesus is there somewhere, but there is endless unnecessary STUFF all around Him that you can hardly see Him!
This stuff has changed each generation and there’s no solid source of what the doctrines are — namely because they are not contained in any book! So of course they’re subject to change with whatever the leaders want to teach that generation. Yes, in fact I discovered that the Book of Mormon, the “fullness of the gospel,” doesn’t contain half the unique LDS doctrines. There is no temple ordinances, no degrees of glory, no Godhood for man, no works for the dead. In fact, the Book of Mormon is a very Protestant book! The Book of Mormon teaches the trinity (that Jesus is God and God himself atoned for our sins), a binary afterlife, and no works required for the good people who have died without Christ.
As soon as I started attending The Well, life was rich! I was excited to read the scriptures and dig out the truth. But there was some tension with my husband over my new path. I still wasn’t totally sure what I should do, or if I was being deceived.
This came one day, the day before Mothers Day. I had been listening to several online sermons and felt an amazing pull, a light coming on! I wanted more! I had this indescribable desire, this pull, toward the Christian world. But was I apostate? I felt conflicted. Was it okay to want more?
I went immediately to pray. I said, “God if this is from you, let me know. If you want me to move forward with my involvement at The Well, give me joy. Be present with me. Let me feel you!”
My life completely changed after that. The confusion was gone. The heavy weight of all my problems was gone. I felt so much joy for the first time in a few years. My husband said I was happier than he had ever known me to be. I wasn’t longing for Jesus anymore. I had Him. He was in my heart, answering so many prayers. He led me to more people, got me connected with true Christians, and showed me more and more scriptures teaching truths and confounding Mormon teachings.
Every time I prayed to know if I was on the right path, God would answer me.
Every time.
Even still, I open up my Bible and it’s there.
I open the Book of Mormon and it’s there!
This is not the correct church.
I now feel that it was a blessing from God that my ward was oblivious to us, that I had no super involved callings, that I wasn’t asked to serve or be a part of anything. I needed that disconnection to spur me. God gave me several months of going unnoticed so I could make my transition. Then he brought about some good in my ward to soften my heart toward them. Now I’ve been able to let go of my hard feelings and be healed through Christ, and to again see the good and keep some friendly acquaintances. I’ve had some opportunities to serve, and I do love serving those in need regardless of denomination. But now I know the teachings are false so my involvement is at arm’s length.
It’s hard to end this because my story isn’t over. Recently my husband was saved and came to Jesus, so we are beginning the process all over again—sorting through the LDS church and trying to figure where things went wrong. But really, personally, I’m not super attracted to digging into this historical mess. I’ve found this joy in Jesus, available through non denominational Biblical study, and I just want to focus on that. I’d rather be in a place of joy and worship than a place of confusion. I’d rather spend my time studying God in the Bible than studying American religious history. I’m just taking one day at a time, seeking light and truth, enjoying getting to know Christians, and walking as He guides me.
But I have found Jesus!
The real Jesus.
And I’m so in awe.
All I Possess 