If you prefer to listen instead, a conversation covering much of the same narrative can be found here (the podcast only divides it into 2 parts):
I’d say there were many things on “my shelf” over the years that I didn’t even realize. I knew there were points of confusion, contradictions, and doctrines that had no explanation. For example, here’s a conundrum in the Mormon church: they believe that before the earth was made, there was a Father God and Mother God, and all of us children. We would grow to become like our parents, but we had made all the progress we could in spiritual form. We needed to come to earth to receive physical bodies, be tested, and go through opposition to refine us and give us experience. This earthly life is an important step to becoming Gods.
But even as a teenager I saw the problem in this: How could Jesus, who was a child of God like us, already be the Jehovah of the Old Testament before he had his earthly life? And how could the Holy Ghost (who we are taught is a person, a separate being) be a God without a body? So, being the intellectual I am, I was always digging for deep doctrine and coming up with theories to explain any confusion I found. On this one, I developed a theory that Jesus was already an exalted being who had already lived his mortal life somewhere else in the eons of time, and so was able to become a God (not independent of the Father yet) and then he came down to earth for us again. But the problem is, Mormons don’t believe in reincarnation, and they believe that once you’re resurrected with a God body, it will never separate from your spirit again.
(The whole thing is just very confusing, and I feel confused and gross all over again typing this out!)
But for Christmas 2023, my ward asked me to narrate the program in our church service. I was given a script and proofread it quickly, and sent it back to the writer for some edits. When she gave me her final copy it contained a very interesting paragraph not backed up by church doctrine. I was shocked that it was in there, but I kind of liked it. It had to do with this conundrum I just explained! So as I was standing on the stand reading this, all sorts of wheels were turning in my head. It said “but the miracle wasn’t that Jesus was born into humble circumstances, but that He came to earth at all.”
Now, any Christian would agree that it was a miracle for God to come to fallen earth in a mortal body. But Mormons don’t! This contradicts Mormon doctrine that Jesus is our brother and needed a mortal life just like any of us.
(Months later, as my faith transition progressed and I became a Christian, I found this woman who wrote the script in the hallway and asked her about it. I wanted to know her personal beliefs, if she thought maybe Jesus had already lived his mortal life and so He really didn’t need to come to earth. She had no idea what I was talking about. She couldn’t remember her script, and she looked at me like I was crazy. Don’t get me wrong, I do realize it’s not socially acceptable to ask someone a deep doctrine question randomly in the hallway at church! But I was simply following up on a paper she wrote and gave me! But anyway this story is just a good example of how confused Mormons are about their own doctrines, and they don’t make any sense. Doctrines like Jesus being our brother or needing a mortal life aren’t contained in the scriptures anywhere. They have been fabricated by “prophets” and passed down through tradition. Most all the strange Mormon doctrines are not in the Book of Mormon at all! And if they’re in the Bible, it’s a verse being taken completely out of context.)
In early 2024 we reached a breaking point in my family. Our children were very difficult, our finances were tight, and we had no help. We had already felt invisible for a few years and had been invisible to our families for a long time. We were both really struggling with our ward. Ever since we moved into the ward at the end of 2017, I have never been in any calling where I’m serving alongside somebody else, having meetings or navigating situations, connecting and getting to know each other on a deep level. (I guess maybe I only had this in the RS presidency in 2014, but even just serving in a group would have been nice.)
In 7 years I have only had a stake scouts calling and a couple small callings with my husband. We’ve never really been visited by those supposedly ministering to us. We’ve never been given a situation to make connections with ward members.
*Except I do want to say that my first bishop was an amazing warrior and friend to me in 2018 while I was going through a hell with a family situation. The RS president at the time was very kind as well, and a couple in the ward took care of my husband when he was hospitalized, and I had a couple friends to chit chat with early on, but only before the events of 2020. Other than that, we have not had visitors who want to get to know us (which is actually assigned in the church, but the culture around here seems to be “drop off treats and smile, but don’t ask and don’t tell.”)
At this time in 2023-2024, feeling very disconnected from any support structure, feeling very drained, my husband and I found ourselves really struggling with the ward. Not only did we need friends, we needed spirituality. Church meetings felt very empty and superficial. (It’s really difficult with a lay clergy.) We would come home deflated and that energy would affect the rest of our day.
We were attending the temple a lot—like several times a week! We felt peace there, and we looked forward to being in the temple as much as we dreaded attending the ward on Sundays. It felt like two very different places. Maybe I just liked how the temple wasn’t about appearances or buddies, it was about seeking God.
After several months of this, we were still struggling and decided to go share our woes with the Bishop.
We told him we felt very disconnected from the ward. We were in a dead end calling together— a calling where there’s a job title under your name but nothing to actually do or contribute. So we asked for a change. We expressed loneliness and a lack of support, and needed a change in ministering assignments. Our bishop chatted with us and sympathized, but didn’t do anything.
A couple months later I went in again, on my own. At this point my “faith crisis” was beginning, as I had gotten into some church history materials. I told the bishop I was having doubts and he quickly changed the subject. I cried about our difficulties with the children. I again told him we didn’t have support—I said, “Where are the Christians?” and he agreed with me! He told me some of his own family’s feelings, I guess in an attempt to show some empathy and be my buddy. But I didn’t get much from the meeting.
Then a couple months later, my husband went in! He too shared his anxieties and frustrations, and again, the bishop tried to show some friendliness but nothing actually happened. In looking back over these 3 visits, not a single scripture was quoted, not a single prayer was said, not a single gesture of service was offered. (This bishop’s personality and approach is just to be a buddy to everybody.)
Unfortunately though, it just felt like there was no shepherd over our flock when it actually came to serious matters.
Read “My Story – Part 5”
All I Possess 