2020 was actually a good year for my family, but it was a confusing time for the faith of many Mormons who were awake. We were forced to reconcile some unexpected and shocking contradictions between the scriptures and doctrines we deeply held, with the behaviors and policies of our leaders. But I did so, and I thought I was fine. But in addition to that mental reframing process in my spirituality, I was faced with some persecution. A family friend cut ties with us. A woman in my ward asked, “Where is your testimony?” (because I had not “followed the prophet” in receiving an experimental medical treatment that indeed proved to be very dangerous.) When the ward began to meet in person again, I was the only person who showed up without a face mask (my tween daughter stood with me though). A very vocal man in my ward passed out high fives in Sunday school to everyone who had made the medical choice he approved of. Another man openly criticized and pitied the ignorant, stubborn people who wouldn’t do so. I felt very alone, of course. Besides my family, I didn’t know a single person who too had not taken the thing, for at least a year. Then I found one older, single lady, and she became a friend to us.
During and after Covid, I really pondered what the church was and what was going on. I felt the church was corrupted. I began finding some videos and making some connections online, as well as when some of my homeschool mom friends. One of these times when I was pondering the fact that the Mormon church was in a state of apostasy, talking with my husband, I casually mentioned (as I was walking away even!) that it’s only a matter of time, we are going to be leaving the church at some point. I know I said this but I don’t remember exactly what my reasoning process was. It was almost just a moment of prophecy. (I only knew the church was corrupted. I didn’t know anything about false doctrines at this point.)
But overall, 2022-2023 were very difficult years. Our little girls were both experiencing major anxiety and OCD. My husband was underemployed and struggled with much discouragement. My health was responding poorly in turn, with all the stress. We felt very alone. We didn’t have the community we needed, in neither church nor family, to see our struggle and respond.
In spring 2022 a friend began to tell me some things about Brigham Young. I understood that church history was very messy and that Brigham Young was very misled and did some wrong things, and taught wrong things. But the issue of polygamy hadn’t entered my mind yet. That summer I was leading a book club for some of my (LDS) students. We were reading classics, many that I hadn’t read before, and I took their input on what to read. One high school girl said what a good book Study in Scarlet is (a Sherlock Holmes novel) so I said let’s read it. Luckily I read it quickly, the week before they were supposed to. I was surprised to see it was about Mormons, and Brigham Young is the murderer in this story! I already knew this was very realistic. I figured my student thought it was funny. But I knew I was not having this conversation with my students! I would not pass it off as funny, and it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to tell them it was realistic. So we canceled that book.
In 2023, I had been thinking about what a “prophet, seer, and revelator” meant for some time. I had had some various concerns since covid and knew I needed to reframe my testimony and seek further understanding. My son was putting in mission papers, and I had mixed feelings about sending him off to do that. So I went to God. Miraculously, ALL my doubts went away for a few months. This gave me time to get his papers turned in, see him ordained an elder, take him through the temple, and send him off. I felt good during this whole time and wasn’t considering doubts. His endowment sent us on a temple fixation for a few months. I got really into finding family names and we completed close to 2,000 ordinances that fall (mostly baptisms, obviously). The temple was a place of peace, a refuge for me. I was able to get out of my chaotic home and deal with the difficult situation of my daughter quitting gymnastics and the precarious mental health of both these young girls.
That fall semester, I was teaching a class I designed called “Christian Heroes.” It’s a literature class based on memoirs of Christian converts. These books amazed me! They took place in Pakistan, China, and the USSR. These were dangerous places to be a Christian! There are situations of scary risks and violence, but also many miracles — amazing miracles! These books had a profound effect on me, and little by little, my testimony of the Mormon church was being eroded away. I could not deny the power these Christians had. I knew it was a power unknown to most Mormons. And I really, truly felt in my heart that their baptisms were valid. How could anyone doubt that these were real Christians, and God ratified that through these spiritual experiences? This was the first significant point of my beginning to doubt Mormon doctrine (the entire Mormon church is based on the idea that all other Christian denominations are incorrect, and their baptisms aren’t valid). Eventually this new idea affected my participating in baptisms for the dead. It felt ridiculous to rebaptize Christians in order to make them Mormon. So I stopped doing family names.
Pretty soon, I would stop going altogether, and drop this doctrine from my personal beliefs.
But for a few months, I kept going. I wasn’t sure about the theology behind the temple, but I still found it to be a place of peace and reflection. I figured if hundreds of people were coming every day to seek the Lord (and worship Him from what they understood), it would hold a sweet energy from that intent.
But as I continued to go, the Lord showed me more and more things that were wrong in there.
Read “My Story – Part 4”
All I Possess 