After high school, I went to BYU (which was a decision based on prayer and fasting, weighing it against a secular school, and I felt prompted to attend BYU to study psychology in order to avoid secularism). I met my husband there, and we were soon married, moved to Oregon, and began a family.
For several years, religion was on the backburner. I was still active in the LDS church but wasn’t studying my scriptures much, and was distracted with some idols. But the Lord was itching my heart, and in 2013 I recognized the idols and the Lord took them from me.
This was a very difficult year or two, as I went through another health crisis. Not only was my body a mess, but I felt very alone, ashamed, and invisible. I didn’t have a spiritual structure to know how to fully turn to God and let go of my shame. So I didn’t tell many people what was going on.
In 2014 I was asked to be in the Relief Society presidency, to serve a few hours a week giving love and service to some women. This changed me on a profound level and I’ve never been the same since. My heart was completely changed after going through my hardship, and I felt strongly that I didn’t want anyone to suffer alone. I learned all the women’s names and sought after those who needed a friend or some encouragement. Being in this role was my identity and it felt amazing to be an agent for Christ for the first time in my life. I was also digging into the scriptures much more, as I would teach the women’s class from time to time. I taught thoughtful, deep lessons with rich applications. I wanted to bring the gospel of Christ to these ladies and lift them up! Unfortunately that position only lasted a year or so. I was heartbroken when they let me go.
But I was converted to Christ on a new level, and it stuck. In 2015 I studied the art of healing. I became a practitioner and continued to serve the weary and afflicted, independently as the Lord led me. Around this time, I reached a crossroads in my life where I could choose the easy way or the Lord’s way (with family planning). The last few years had already been so difficult in giving up my idols, but I couldn’t go back to Babylon. I chose God. I told Him His will could be done in my life. In doing so, the next nine years became very difficult, but they brought me closer and closer to God.
In 2017, following the unexpected death of my mother, I dove into the scriptures like never before. I read the New Testament, the institute manual, and many conference talks. This is when I began a social media ministry of sorts, sharing each day what I learned and providing an inspirational thought with a beautiful picture. My posts began to be shared publicly and I gained a bit of a following.
Then the next year (after moving to Utah), to meet the need of a new member of the church, I began a Book of Mormon online class—my own informal “institute” course, which I felt was inspired by God. I had a nice handful of followers and was connected with a couple people I know who specifically needed these messages at this time. I felt ideas and connections flowing like crazy! I loved sitting down, reading a talk, and correlating it to the Book of Mormon. I would study for an hour then turn on my camera and teach for an hour, and repeat a few times a week. I was a vessel and the messages just came to me so easily. And then one day, the faucet turned off. I just wasn’t moved to do another video. And it never happened again! It lasted only 5 or 6 months, and I recorded 40 classes. I really felt this was a calling from God and He was guiding me. This was a blessing in my life because it occurred during another very difficult year of my life. I had been in darkness and despair again, and studying the Book of Mormon brought me light and hope. Being inspired by a mission from God gave me purpose and joy.
When this was over, I found myself again at a crossroads and chose to give my life to God yet again—Our family might be complete, I felt no personal urging for a baby, but He could send another if He wanted to.
I didn’t know what this would really mean. But after that prayer, He immediately sent us a child (despite birth control) who had problems right from the start, in addition to our previous daughter who had some severe anxiety.
I truly see these family planning situations as consecration. We were comfortable and good with 3 kids. But I had been raised to believe that a bigger family was God’s will. So I took these leaps of faith and let God defy my birth control.
When I was pregnant with this first “consecrated” baby (child #4), I had two priesthood blessings telling me that things would be very difficult now, but that the Lord would always be with me.
Indeed, life has been so difficult ever since 2016. A switch turned in our life. I believe it was due to our consecration, seeking God’s course for our lives, and so he then tested and refined us.
That refining fire over the last 8 years is exactly what has led up to where we are today, beaten up and surrendering completely to God. And He has led us to a most unexpected path…..
Read “My Story – Part 3”
All I Possess 